why do serial cheaters want to stay married

Serial cheaters are exactly what their title . Thanks again for the feedback really appreciate it. Answer (1 of 19): I was just 18 when first married. It's easy to do because they're eerily good at it. But, I am always extremely nice to her and everyone else at the office. Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and couples therapist, told Fox News that couples who stay together after infidelity have compelling reasons to do so. Hey, maybe one day introverts will quietly rule the world. Spouses who stay in these situations report: If you do decide to stay with a serial cheater, you will need help. One thing I wanted to get out there, was not all ow have the upper hand over the wife. So many of his co-workers have said things like: he adores you and makes it known and whats the secret of your happy marriage?) On the other hand, there have been several occasions in the past where any non-stable women in his work environment mis-read his personality. Compulsive cheaters will go to great lengths to hide that behavior from a partner. Reason 1: You teach people how to treat you. Unless you absolutely cannot get over the fact that your partner cheated, a one-time thing doesn't automatically have to mean the end. To me, it seems like if all women refused the bait and refused to even open the door to the bait, there would be A LOT less affairs. They know that most men want to be a hero, and as long as they show a damsel in distress act, then the man, wont even look at them. It does not store any personal data. This is why God forbids adultery. Yes take those 23 years. She is NOT married to the guy. "Narcissists are preoccupied with feeding their ego, which makes them prime candidates to be serial cheaters," she says. Reality was also staring my h right in the face too, he was able to live in denial while he was away, but he couldnt do that when he came home and saw me. Th, exactly, any attention given by the h just makes her misread his intentions for her own good. You could have knocked me over with a feather, as it was the last thing I expected. I lived with a cheater and all of this describes him to a T. I am done with that. "Calling out the wrong name in the heat of passion is a faux pas that's hard to backpedal," Winter explained, while pet names are easy to remember, especially if someone is sleeping with multiple partners. Until she finally needed that sucker to hold her hand, as she had finally decided to walk away from her h, and go for a divorce, unfortunately she decided to target my h, after I had told her that he had helped out several cousins, that that was the only reason they called him, and nagged him when they needed something from him. Anyhow, they were in a relationship but pretty soon my friend finds out that he is leading his ex-girlfriend to believe he is still in a relationship with her as well. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. The Psychodynamic Process Enables Cheating In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests. More important is to trust ourselves and be aware. They seemed like the perfect couple. I suspected all along but now I have an admission to back up what I already knew in my gut I will certainly be the first to say it took a long time to actually see my affair partner for his true self. In turn, you might feel bad for "prying" and won't ask again. They might justify their. Feeling overwhelmingly powerlessness and broken. Do dogs get worse before they get better with parvo? It is horrible. Do it sister:). Respect is everything in all relationships, and if your partner has cheated on you then they obviously do not respect you at all because if they did, they wouldn't ever have cheated in the first place. Less intimacy at home. (Or that is how my husband describes it). As my dad says, men, just like dinosaurs, have two brains one in their head and one in their tail. I want you to quit hating yourself and hating HIM! 15 months ago I would not have imagined what Im dealing with now, courtesy of an ea(?) Hindsight is such a wonderful thing. Im just as happy talking to someone once a year as I am every day. The very act of sneaking around may also excite them. What Garrett is basically saying is that serial cheaters are either sociopaths who dont feel guilt or remorse about sleeping around, or theyve simply cheated so much that their brains have adapted to their sinful, adulterous ways, and they dont care anymore. He may have just had a one night stand or two. Be patient and kind to yourself. Sometimes those folks who are the life of the party and all affable on the outside are dealing with a lot of demons on the inside and unfortunately you werent privy to those but you can bet the wife was. Then when the time it right, serving her with a verbal warning and asking her to literally cease and desist. So being friendly and having people on her side would have helped, I think. They'll even put in the effort to help your relationship overcome this rough spot. Somewhere in their history, whether its parents]. (But, I also know he talks a lot about our marriage in an extremely positive light. I dont think 2 CS counts as serial in any case. You tend to believe that if they dont answer their phone or if they are coming home late, they must certainly be with this other person. He never really believed it, I guess until now. And guess what, there is always another OW or OM to be the supplier of that high. Always trying to be entertaining, engaged, funny, etc. Anyway, I just wanted to say, that it doesnt matter what we say or do, if the cs doesnt want to let go of the ap, they wont, until they are good and ready. He wont have a bar of it, we are married for 23 yrs, not 21, you have always been my wife and the one I love lol. I also like to be alone a lot, and have solitary interests, like reading, crafts, playing games , watching movies. He is just a guy who is extremely easy to work with a attempts to build harmony in his team. All Rights Reserved. Serial cheaters have spent years practicing and perfecting ways to hide their dirty deeds. He also may feel like a failure and fear everyone else thinking the same. If my AP called and said that, mid-affair Id probably have slammed the phone down or apologised profusely. Very respectful, church going, seemed normal. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Yep he was stupid enough to invite the camel into the tent. You are a good person, dont ever think your not, and dont ever think your not deserving of a happy marriage with your h, because you are. So 23 it is.. Who would have thought after such a nightmare, that we could have pushed through for another two years under our belt of huh hmmm marital bliss. She would whimper to men flirting about how having a husband and four boys was too much men. 2.No Backup or Exit Plan: One of the main reasons is Serial Cheaters don't have any backup or exit plan to divorce their partner cause they never thought of getting caught. The norms in many cultures strongly frown upon divorce. Never going to mistrust my own gut over trusting someone else. 4. He would get off the phone with me, then be straight on the phone with her. In other words, their actions won't match their words. Not all ow are as remorseful as you. Of course shes a narcissist and shes trying to play you. All kinds of things predict infidelity. It kind of makes me sad that you still care about this wellbeing because, in a way, he is still being able to take from you, albeit in a whole different way than before. This guy played you and Im sure it hurts to think that. I crack myself up:). If he didnt want to talk to the ow, he would turn his phone off. You made a mistake at thinking that I would think like you, but you were wrong. If the pain of staying with this person outweighs the joy you have with them, tune into that because it is telling you something important. BTW you and Eyes are not one of the PIGS. If you catch your partner cheating, only you can determine whether or not that's something you can live with. Honestly, when I cheated on my girlfriend I had no idea why I did it. Your observations are just so accurate in my opinion. I mean, was he the one who started showing interest? He still wont marry her and since he wont marry her, she uses this story as alleged proof of further insult to her right as a woman to be treated like Queen. I have always told my h, watch how he talks to women, because they can take it as if he is interested in them. Same here. Congrats on your anniversary. She has suggested meeting for coffee twice and you have not answered her twice. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. And f its tingly, you keep going back for more. She told him to call the ow suspect on a speakerphone and he had to say the following : Ive just told xxx (my wife) everything. I dont think my h would have been so understanding if it was me who betrayed him, so take it as a positive step, at renewing your marriage, renewing that spark that you both had when you first met. I would recap her sins to date, and tell him you are compelled to take further action. The other girl was hot, and we had great sex . Have heard that before too- that sex with the AP is usually over-rated. The poor chick I fired was getting divorced, desperate, and broke. "Serial cheaters will talk a good game about being faithful in the future but they will display no distancing behaviors to the people and situations they were involved in at the time they cheated," Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert for Maple Holistics, tells Bustle. 2. Yet there were emails saying sorry I missed your call 2 days ago or sorry I didnt get to call you this weekendblah, blah, blah. He some balls asking you to keep his secret. I bet she is lovely and I would like to say hello. So, he sheepishly brought me over to his wife (who was in another part of the complex with her female friend) and I chatted with her, ignoring him, talking about mom stuff, and making it subtly known that I am not a threat. It's like they think nothing is their fault. I said and by the way, she did the wrong thing, putting her exh on speaker phone, because she only did that, so out of all the conversations you hear of them talking, she puts the one on that has him get angry on. I could not have predicted the way this thread would go a year ago I am bowled over by your compassion! I would never intentionally say anything to hurt someone, well yes I would if they are a total asshole but certainly not anyone really trying to do right. Her finances take a hit. Next I would print out any emails, log any and all conversations and events that you feel are over the line. 3. Why on earth we do it speaks volumes about who we are. Ex: is he sending mixed signals by holding her off but also enjoying the attention? I wish HR honchos had to read it. Well, if said husband has a family, he may want to stay in order to protect the well-being of his children. Unfortunately he began to enjoy them after his father died and business was nearly failing. There is really no room for getting to know someone one-on-one. "Cheating can be emotional, and/or physical. How on earth could he make that choice to do something that he knew would make his life a living hell again? I thought through this, and decided it was an exceptionally clever tactic. A: I think she needed to be more present in his life . In other words, theyre gifted with charm and rhetoric and what to say, others not so much. My personal opinion of married men who cheat is -- to kick them to the curb - the sooner the better. The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater," is almost widely accepted, but when it comes to serial cheaters, the cheating often doesn't stop. All of us hear have been played to one extent or another and its not funny. 20. So here are some habits serial cheaters are more likely to have than one-time cheaters. I think a lot of cheaters dont care if they get caught or not. Just like the idiot assistant I hired. Even after confrontation they want to stay in marriage and make marriage work The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Affair Partner Now, Should You Stay Or Should You Go? First, you need to find out if the cheating party is truly sorry and decide if both of you want to stay together. Youve come a long way over the last 2 years. "If someone is used to hiding information from their partner, they're likely to be jumpy about you so much as touching their phone." In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so.. Cheaters "deflect pointed conversations by changing the true subject and always minimizing their actions," award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas told INSIDER. Early role modeling involving infidelity: This guy has wounds from his childhood and he has witnessed one or both parents cheating over and over again. Here are the common traits of a serial cheater: Sociopathic attitudes: Constant disregard for rules; lacks guilt and remorse when caught doing something harmful. I did know there was something wrong as after a week of his trip, which was the time she arrived to see her parents, he was being cold and uncaring, which before she got there, he was calling, telling me he loved me, missed me asking about his children etc, then a change just like that. You are far too nice and here is why I say you are too nice: your ex-affair partner has his issues and it is apparent that you feel sorry for him in a way that takes the focus off you having to meet your own needs. Ok fair warning here. Its such an insane situation on so many levels yet you, who are the innocent one, has had to bear the brunt of the pain. He lost his new wife, she divorced him immediately, lost his business, I mean shut the doors and he was literally living in a crack house completely using again. Long way, and you have been so insightful too. I think for many cheaters it just becomes part of who they are. I cannot help him or otherwise solve his issues and I am now releasing him to a higher power. This would probably include most serial cheaters. Red flag 2: The fact that he heaped positive attention on someone he just met that is also a narcissists ploy to hook nice people into being under his spell. If you are over him none of that stuff matters. Serial cheaters will give you just enough information to make you feel like you know them, but you might still be left guessing. In fact, this is his most reliable traithis ability to always blame others for his bad behavior. There are many reasons, Dr. Edelman explains. Honestly its a wonder our business was able to survive. I guess that my main point , and maybe Trying Hard too , but I cant say since Im not her, is this. I hope your new job is going good and that the remodel to your home is brilliant as well. I would tell him it would behoove him to be totally honest. You go through their phone records, email, wallet, anything that might prove what you already suspect. Constant anxiety if you cant track down your spouse. And in some cases, their family may even be threatened if they got a divorce, so they stay married to avoid that. I was new to the job and he was a tease and a flirt. But for a serial cheater, this may not be in the case. while married. Its hard to find in the real world . Top 12 Helpful Tricks, What Makes A Girl Jealous Of Another Girl? (Strangely both his counsellor and I said he wanted to get found out). "Somewhere in their history, whether its parents, mentors or the culture they grew up in, they saw cheating as normal," she says. But the problem started long before, when she dated and soon broke up with her college boyfriend because he was seeing other women. Gender stereotypes have got to go! Please give yourself a big hug, take a deep breath, and say I am worth more than worrying about or otherwise thinking about him. They will blame you and accuse you of something they are actually doing. Bring wine and snacks, Ill help:). It is clear that your affair partner was a very troubled narcissist and that he was just looking for easy pickings in terms of the next victim. It is a truth universally acknowledged that secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone. Oh yeah I think he saw the light but I think its because Mrs. MM said look here you tosser (LOL like that, its English, I know get your crazy self to rehab or Im divorcing you this time and taking EVERYTHING! They also may enjoy living two separate lives. But, I am glad you are standing up for yourself by removing yourself from the situation. They are the weak injured idiots at the back of the pack, waiting to be be taken down. How do you put a face to infidelity? All rational thinking gets shoved out the window, when they dont want to see whats right in front of them. I saw a few days later a donation that he had made, not from him and I, but for him and his ow, because that was what she wanted. After he starts having affairs, it is easier for him to continue than to find other ways to handle marital frustration. Weve all acted with boorish behavior, the trick is knowing and acknowledging it, accepting it and change. Serial cheaters get and stay married because on some level they too want a companion to share their life with. You ask yourself how you could have been so blind as not to have seen what was going on behind your back. Every cheater thinks they are the one who can have an affair with no repercussion or fallout or collateral damage. Hes comfortable or attached to the way things are, 7. Unless they have undertaken a long-term process of behavioral modification with the help of a professional, it would be better to assume they will not change. I learned much later that he took that to mean that I accepted the blame for the whole affair.! ago. That said, some people hold a rather controversial point of view that you can be in love and still cheat. Based on the same study, people who suspected their partner of cheating were four times more likely to suspect their partner in their next relationship. "So when they talk about it, they will make it seem like it's not such a big deal." Same here man. These traits could really apply to anyone so I guess its true, ANTONE can or would cheat. What are serial cheaters looking for? She doesnt feel bad about hoeing around behind her boyfriends back. And what's most heartbreaking about these statistics is, of those who had been cheated on and found out about it, most probably never saw it coming at least, not until it was too late. I hope this was helpful. (There are sincere compliments that normal people give each other and then there are the over the top compliments and flattery that narcs give.). They probably sense I would be pretty pissed. Prior to getting married to my husband, I let him know point blank that the person he was getting is not someone he can train to be a certain way as if I were a pet. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. Cheaters, like bullies, are fueled by power, and drawn to risk. So, after he started putting up boundaries, she started emailing me and begging for us to come to her house to dinner. We are older with grown children, I know if I was younger he would be gone!! Yet seriously, I think with time, the place in our minds they take u space in will eventually disappear, and they will just be a distant memory, that is so insignificant, that we just couldnt give a rats ass, about how they treated us, how they manipulated the situation to their advantage, how they tried to destroy the life we know, because you know why? We b. said cheating is subjective because different people have different boundaries. But, his adrenaline seeking behavior usually extends to his love life and he finds the challenge of conquering new women intoxicating. I hired her as my assistant but she did everything but assist me. The rest of the details that you provide indicate the typical predator/prey dynamic that narcissists thrive on. I have thought about how he might have gone about it if he had wanted to, and I am coming up blank. I puzzled on that a long time too. Hi Gizfield, yes there are other introverts out there. Well, if any of you have advice on what me or my husband could do to get her to go away, let me know. That doesnt mean I dont like them, Ive just moved on I guess. Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. Im shaking my head in disbelief at my former self here. I believe he is now more open to not trusting anyone anymore. It premiered on TNT on July 12, 2010, and set a record as cable TV's most watched commercial-supported series launch. She does not want your friendship. Your partner is abusive or controlling. Kissing?" In the comments to my previous posts on adultery, one recurring theme dealt with "serial" adulterers, people whose behavior shows a pattern of repeated cheating.This can involve repeated affairs . When I was in my mid- 20s, I took a lot of flack from my (now ex) fiance because I wasnt more of an in-your-face extrovert. Serial cheating is nearly always the result of men marrying for reasons other than love Citizenship, for example.Add into that equation children that guilt the father into staying, despite the fact that the marriage is, and always has been loveless. They dont think of cheating as hurting a person; they even dont think of it as a betrayal; they think of it as conquest, and the way they win or what gives them the fuel to continue is that they were able to get a person. Apologies for the delay. Please believe that. Your story is such a testament to the devastation that affairs cause for all the innocent bystanders who did nothing wrong. Hating you or wanting to smash your face is her normal knee jerk reaction to his bad behavior. Oh well. Strong, confident folks? They often struggle with poor impulse control and a lack of personal accountability. If you dont believe me, watch a James Bond film. 4. I caught onto her very early. Id be gone, settled and almost a year into getting my life in order. One-time cheaters will back their words up with actions. Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes. (Meant with all sarcasm). "Serial cheaters are often unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others,"says Alsaleem. Yes your husband fell for cousin Its sob story because he had to in order to justify the affair. To me it all concurs. Also and we all know this you cant make me sad only I can :-)! I never much liked dating as such. His wife should ditch him, in my opinion. The idea would be the first time we commit adultery we feel bad about it. I would not have had to listen to my teenage on call my husband a f p when the whole story came out. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Personally I believe its the latter. As relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle, serial cheaters are used to cheating. Its all unreal and a fantasy but these alternative scenarios have to exist in their minds and in their stories. No "you made me do its" allowed. At least there would be a record in her file. But more importantly, they will do their best to prove to you that they're going to be faithful moving forward. After that conversation, I found my child and we ran around the play area together. Yet I dont think we will be celebrating until the weekend because my h isnt home until the weekend. if someone is sleeping with multiple partners. For a pig to win a non-pig provides the pig with a sense of power. That is what matters. I remember saying Ive learned a lot myself and about myself too. Here are some quotes from an article I found on Science Daily: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110725123411.htm, -People with sexual performance anxiety are more likely to cheat on their partners., -Men who are risk-takers or easily sexually aroused are also more likely to wander., For both men and women, personality characteristics and interpersonal factors are more relevant predictors than are religion, marital status, education or gender. I knew that was overstepping but I liked it. 3. Detective Gomez, of the Gomez Detective Agency, lists a few potential warning signs of a cheating partner, including: Changes in appearance. She found a note Id given him which he kept in his work book. I learned this hard lesson years ago when I lost my fiance to his affair partner prior to the wedding. You have given us insight into what the cs thinks and feels about the ap, from the beginning and to the end. Q:Do you think you had different reasons for entering into it than your affair partner did? I have observed many a decent woman become temporarily fooled by a married, male narcissist in the office. You cannot tell me that one person really believes that cheating is ok. Sexting? Some unfaithful serial cheaters still do love their partners for some reason. I really appreciate your input. That's pretty much it. Not wishing to stir but I do wonder how many BSs on this site are being hoodwinked into believing that this was their hs first crime, when actually there were more that were never disclosed? (Lets say I know the difference between friendly and interested and I am not an ego-maniac who believes every man who talks to me has an agenda far from it). I am on good terms and friendly with several of his co-workers and know that he has never crossed the line. In some cases, seeing what else is out there may make a man realize how lucky he is to have his wife, especially if the affair was disappointing. He has reeled it in a lot over the years in terms of being more cautious around women. Actually the OW didnt work for him but worked for a vendor and she begged for a job with my Hs company. What it boils down to is opportunity, lack of personal moral code, and a great talent for lies, manipulation and entitlement. Everything I read says He, His, and even This Man. Married life is stable and he doesnt want to have to start over. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. I will say your H needs to totally ignore her. Frequent arguments with a partner. You are not alone. I see them in therapy, and theyre ready to change; its usually because theyve gotten older, theyve gotten wiser, theyve destroyed their life, and theyre basically alone and miserable. I could never be involved with an addict or alcoholic again. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". And Let It Be is a great British song which is always in my head now :-). All of that is so unfair. Your sleep patterns are disturbed. "What do you actually know about your partner's life, their family, upbringing, and personal life?" The pig is there wallowing in the mud with other pigs. The truth is. Catching your partner cheating is one of the most painful things that you can experience in a relationship. The other things learned thru this is that these are not strong women and men. HEY WAIT, isnt that what my own semi narcissist husband did to me???? Hes a good guy who got caught up and manipulated in something he was just not smart enough to get out of. One of the main reasons is Serial Cheaters dont have any backup or exit plan to divorce their partner cause they never thought of getting caught. I have thought about asking him to shut himself down, but that isnt fair because he never does anything inappropriate and does not even engage in any kind of conversation that is R rated. Hed had previous affairs which I did not know about but which he admitted to , full of remorse and shame during the affair. Boy what I would do to turn back the clock and call him on the carpet the first day my spidey senses tingled, which was over a year ago. Men may also cheat because they lack self-confidence and want the attention. aloud to you, it can be easy to forget they acted on their own accord. I know its not exactly what youre saying but I was no innocent victim ! It would be pretty ignorant if I did. He became a pro. Still, I would like for this lady to chill out and back off. They can be the big Hero. Those are great recommendations in fact, I have done all of them, including keeping a log of emails, except I have not yet confronted her. my AP was my first boyfriend, my first lover, I truly thought he was my soulmate, one true love for YEARS. The something more they crave could be excitement, support, sex or any other need that they believe their wives are just not able to provide. But, ever since I married, I do not flirt with anyone (taken or single) because it is a violation to my marriage. They forget they mess with fire, they will get burnt. I saw the good in you, and I could see how desperately you wanted to seek help. If you dont want to see your AP , just say you cant.

Best Countries In Europe To Find A Wife, Articles W